5 Must-Haves for the Hood.

1) Sidekick- You're not a true gangsta unless you have one of these contraptions. I feel like everyone in the hood from the Chicken Noodle Soup era (13-18 year olds) to the lazyasses who just want AIM on their side pocket 24/7 must have this thing.

2) Myspace- It's the new BlackPlanet baby yeahhh! Plus, why pay for Adult FriendFinder or chill on the corner peepin onion booties when you can do it from the comfort of your sidekick or library or home?

3) A pair of epileptic-causin Nike sneakers: Sure, let's all pretend now that we're 80s babies when most of these fucks who are dressin up like this were born in the 90s. Don't be mad that Soul Train was before your time and you have now been further nigga-ized by 106 and Park.

4) Some complicated hand-shake (dap): Since everybody apparently still wants to be a gangbanger even in skinny jeans down to the thigh area and rocker belts...to have your own set, you and your boys need to come with a 7-10 combo handshake which boggles the eyes and would win a national Dap competition one day. Personally I'm surprised BET hasn't forumlated a reality TV show based on this.

5) The Cockfest Bar (no homo): When that itis sets in after a heavy round of blazin, why would you want to head all the way out to the city to strike out, when you can strike out in your own backyard? Many guys think this way, hence leading to a 27 on 2 assault on women who on average would even make DK look like T.I in a side-by-side profile; but due to the dearth of females, it's survival of the....I don't know. It's some darkass spot on the corner or on the middle of the block that only pops off after 3am.

And so on.