Selfishness.

The word selfish tends to have a negative connotation. Only looking out for yourself at the expense of other people, regardless of how close you are to them. In most instances, yeah it sucks...but in some instances, you MUST be selfish because ultimately you're the one person you should care about the most. Unless you're Mother Teresa or one of A Pimp Named Slickback's finest prostitutes; what good is excessively being selfless when you're not getting any enjoyment out of it or getting anywhere in life?

Now don't get me wrong. I take great joy and pride in helping ppl out. I love dishin out advice, giving people rides to places if they don't have an alternative means of getting somewhere and I do it because it's in my nature. Not because I do it to demand respect or to be reimbursed or anything like that. As long as you can appreciate whatever comes to you, respect it, and not abuse the assistance then I can live with that. I first began questioning this however in high school when I first got my license. I was excited about being one of the few juniors to have a car at the time and yeah I had quite a few acquantainces. But when word came out that I had a car, suddenly they felt the need to "become closer" to me. Suddenly these same people who I wouldn't talk to that frequently would always come to me trying to make friendly convo, wanting to hang out, all this shit. Ultimately, it was just so that at the end of the school day, they could get a ride back home. Once they got their respective licenses, I didn't hear much from them again. Not that it mattered much, because I don't ask for reciprocation...but the one day I didn't have my car and asked for a ride (for the fuck of it)...the one dude said "I have no space in my car sorry." Damn.

Sometimes you get so wrapped up into other people's pleasures that you put added pressure upon yourself and look down upon your achievements. I do this very often; I tend to downgrade my accomplishments as no big deal. I don't know if it's a by-product of being humble or simply not being satisfied enough with myself and where I am right now...but I'm sure it's somewhat discerning when for example you view running 4.5 miles as no big deal (when a month ago I wasn't even joggin). Maybe I need to self-evaluate my self-esteem because it's quite low right now...for what reason I don't really know but I seriously don't feel like I've done much to warrant a good feeling about myself, even if others think otherwise. This self-doubt causes me to become more anxious than I should and create a heightened sense of disappointment (as if I failed) when it wasn't that bad. In other words, if I accomplished something, I'll diminish it but if I fucked up I'll take the full blame and let it affect me for a while.

Although my first instincts are usually very good, I spend a lot of time harping on them and in turn it affects my daily routine/performance. I shouldn't worry about what other people are doing because quite frankly, they're doing them and I'm doing me...and to be honest people always separate themselves from the pack. Sometimes you feel like people are avoiding you, when in reality they're simply very busy...but it does make you question if you're really cool with them as they say you are. Other times, you have to go out your way to avoid people because you're in your own zone and you can't afford for them to be a distraction. But, that's when the overactive mind of mind takes shape. While yes, in a perfect world I would be in constant contact with ppl who gave a shit about me and vice-versa...it cannot be that way. You gotta make progress with yourself first, not focus on extracurricular bullshit, and then let it work out on its own.

For the past couple of months I've deliberately gone relatively incognito because I must find out who I am before I find out about others. This is the first time in a while where I can say that I'm being selfish towards my needs because either I'm gonna flourish or I'm gonna flounder. By being selfless at times, you have more to lose than to gain and that's the sad reality. Don't get me wrong, I still go out and I still talk to those select few. But I'm back in my shell, back where I'm most comfortable, being my own 1-man Army. I'm very happy in myself for no longer drinking nearly as much as I used to. I'm content with where I'm at with my internship and my adidas job. I'm content with the friends I have. I need to start giving a shit more about my family. I'm disappointed in a few people but once again I'm probably over-exaggerating. I simply cannot wait for the lameness of 2008 to be over and for a fresh new start in 2009. Hence, the January trip to wherever and then a few other things I have in store.

For those who I've been avoiding, it has nothing to do with you. For those avoiding me, you do what you want. Eventually I have to shit out the bullshitters and then wipe my ass before flushin, wash my hands and continue my journey.

And so on.