Dear Starbucks,

You expect citizens like me, DK, to come out and volunteer five hours of my time and reward me with a friggin $3 cup of "tall coffee"? You gotta be fuckin kiddin me if you think I'm gonna get my ass up and do this shit. I understand that you are the new liquid crack; the official drink of Long Island and the uppity; the official drink of NYU; sponsored by Laguna Beach I'm pretty damn sure, blah blah blah blah. Your drink has successfully been able to cause long lines of liquid crack fiends like back in the 70s in the hoods of Baltimore, NYC and the like. Poor 18-35 year old people who bring in their Macbooks go on your wireless internet and sip on your liquid crack in which without it they feel like their lives are insignificant. A wonderful Folgers Cup or Maxwell House is no longer acceptable in today's society because of yall. My freshman year at NYU because of you I got some free coffee from willing liquid crack addicts who wanted my company to go on little mini-hits, I mean, dates. Watching these poor souls turn like Oprah bitching about her weight gain. She got a fuckin billion dollars yet she's still a fat fuck. Gimme a billion dollars. I have seen what you guys have done to these poor kids and young adults of America. And young DK will not volunteer 5 hours of his time that I would probably spend on Facebook anyway...for $3 of free coffee. That's $.60 an hour. Sweatshop workers laugh at me and joke at me in Thai.

Dear God.

Sincerely Yours,
DK