My Lack of Drive.

This blog entry is sponsored by the Hiphone. Yes, it was about damn time they came off with a knockoff of the iPhone but they've done it. Bootlegging at its saddest, IMO but that's a whole other story.

Anyways, it's weird how drastically I have changed from when I was little. When I was little, I was pretty intense with everything. I had a short temper, intense about school, pretty motivated as to what I wanted to do. As I got older however, I think I fell into some kind of a comfort zone. Probably I was taking everything for granted- being gifted in school and realizing that I didn't really need to study all that hard to achieve results I needed; having the luck of the draw go my way etc. This probably is the reason why what I call "adversity" is probably nothing more than a ploy, just a normal challenge that just seems hard because I can't motivate myself mentally to push ahead.

I have all these plans and different ideas as to what I wanna do, where I wanna be in X amount of time all the damn time. They sound great on paper yet for some odd reason I don't push forward with them and make it happen. I don't seem to have a rush to do it, thinking that somehow it will fall into my lap as quite a few things in my life have? I know life doesn't work that way, but why do I act like it does? Maybe it's the fact that I still live at home, as opposed to having to be forced to be self-sufficent. When I'm away from home that switch turns on; most likely out of necessity...I guess when I am at home I have that comfort of being able to procrastinate and let time fly past me. But there's gonna be a certain point in time in which I'm gonna want to move the F out. I don't wanna be that 26 year old hollerin at a chick but tellin her I can't take her home bc I still live in my parents' basement...you know how much of a turnoff that'll be hah?

Yeah it's hard to find a job especially in my field (Sports Management) but my biggest weakness (me being somewhat timid) is glaring here. My networking skills are WHACK, and at least in that capacity that's the one thing I hate about my major is that there's a lot of communication; I'm one to keep to myself. But truth be told, I've always been timid; I didn't say my first word until the age of 5 and they actually thought I was autistic hah what the fuck? So that in itself was a challenge I succeeded in. Obviously getting to where I am at today required a shitload of hard work...yet I don't feel accomplished...I feel unfulfilled. What am I gonna do about it? Just do it, like Nike should be my motto (but I work for Adidas so I'll stick to Impossible is Nothing hah). Me overthinking has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past and might be a reason why I have stopped dead in my tracks. I hate that I'm a person in which at the first sign of trouble instead of pressing on I tend to crumble. I don't want to be Memphis on the free throw line. I want to be David Tyree, Plaxico Burress, Eli Manning, gettin to the top by proving doubters wrong.

Overall I know I need a total mental change. Maybe a change of scenery is all I need. I need to pretend I guess that I'm living away from home and that I need to be self-sufficent and aggressive, as aggressive as I used to be when I was little. I can't live on like this forever, I got big plans, big goals...but I need to not think as much about shit that in the long run is trivial (girls in particular always is on my mind...as it should be but damn almost too much). This ain't only with finding a job/internship, but in everything I do.

a) With my working out. I was motivated, working out like 4-5x/week and then suddenly I got comfortable with myself (and rightfully so) but to the point where I stopped working out. It was okay for a while, then I never quite recovered after my breakup in November, my fight with my dad, a culmination of other bullshit (which happened all at once btw)...and I piled on some weight. I've been eating better recently though and working out a little bit more now but that passion I had as recently as June-July pre-New Orleans is long gone. If I can get that back, I'll lose all that weight I'm sure. I need to hate the way I look now and work out for me, not for anyone else. Because those that mind won't matter and those that matter won't mind.

b) I love Nevadas, I really do. But I need to go other places, check out other spots, find new, different crowds and different chicks, etc. I might have to sacrifice discounted, more powerful drinks to do so but so be it. A change of scenery would be refreshing for me because I feel robotic. It's gotten to the point where I'm sure my liver says Nevadas and I say ok let's do it.

c) Consistency is key. Yeah I can be consistent with Nevadas, the Apple Store, etc...but I need to be more consistent with stuff that in the long run is really more important and pertainent to my career, livlihood and so on. I should heed my own advice on these blogs I guess hah.

And so on.