Lowered Expectations.

Watchin the Phillies-Mets game live on Tuesday night, seeing my team completely implode in the top of the 9th inning, let a 3 run lead snowball into a 3 run deficit in a matter of 10-15 minutes and ultimately lose the game was heartbreaking, surreal, and absolutely disgusting to watch. At least if I was watching it on TV I could change the station but I was helpless sitting there as our opportunity of being in sole possession of first slipped like sand through your fingers. After the game this shit had me thinkin about what's been happening to me lately: Expectations that are never fulfilled.

It has nothing to do with "being negative" or whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean...but being optimistic results me into being let down. So I find a happy medium and be realistic. For example with the Mets game, I was hella pumped to go since the Mets and Phillies were tied for first, a huge series and rivalry back home all that shit. Sure it's the middle of July but it had a playoff feel to it and it is important to get that first victory in any series. Everything was going right and then that one inning turned to shit and I lost. I feel like that when I interview for sports internships and what not with the interviews I feel like I nailed down. I have a feeling that I'm the top candidate up until the end when I'm sure I get "upstaged" somehow by some other fuck...and I don't get the internship. This crushes my confidence because it almost makes me feel like this isn't for me. You know what, maybe it isn't but I came too far and I can't let them see me crack or else they'll put a sledgehammer to me and Berlin Wall the fuck outta me.

Sometimes you just lower expectations so you don't get all pissed off when something doesn't go right. My summers are a perfect example. I expected good summers in 06 and only a decent one in 07 since I wasn't livin in the city like I was in 04-06. However, 2007 was arguably the most fun summer I had and everything that could go right for the most part did. Now, I knew this summer was gonna sip on that penile fluid but good God it's been boring as fuck. I don't know if it's the fact everyone's grindin and doesn't have time anymore, or I've fallen into a routine that I can't get out of, or I feel like I'm stuck on neutral trapped in quicksand but shit man. Not to mention 07 and 08 are literally 180s of each other.

Of course with the ladies, I never know what to expect...but as usual we have our dry spells and then prime-time slip and slides. I def must be in the midst of a dry spell because it's beginning to feel alot like 04-mid 06 for me all over again where I can't seem to find ANY luck with the females. For a good year or so however I was dominant though I don't know if having 3 girlfriends in that time period is exactly dominant hah. At the same time however, I felt like the quality of females that I did talk to was on the rapid upswing (it may have to deal with me losing a shitload of weight at that point which helped my swag tremendously). However now, and especially since around March...my swag is almost non-existant and I'm back to my 04-mid 06 ways of just settlin for whoever and whatever hah. Lowered expectations fo sho because I feel like yes I can converse with a bangin chick but at the end of the day I know it's gonna be an epic fail. I defeat myself already so I don't feel retarded.

The scary part with me is that I can forsee most of these pratfalls, and I hate to really think in a negative aspect but I almost always end up being right. Overanalyzing it? Perhaps. But being accurate is definetly true. I doubt certain things for what they are and although I'm scared that I am right, I need to respect my gut instinct because afterall being humans (who are animals)= you gotta have primal instinct. One thing's really been bothering me lately but I'll keep that to myself and to that other person.

These combined things have slammed my ego to the ground. I haven't broke yet and I will never let anyone see me break. People always say you have to create your own luck, blah blah blah. How the fuck do you do that hah? Maybe I need to go back to church and pray again; or see a psychic, or a psychiatrist I don't know. I need motivation and all that shit because I have absolutely nothing. I'm definetly a shell of my former self. But don't you dare feel sorry for me because I don't ever want you to.

And so on.