DK's 5K/Jersey vs. Long Island Game 1.

So this past Wednesday I decided to run a 5K out on Long Island in Eisenhower Park. Granted, I had been training for it for a few weeks but I didn't realize how tough running it really is. There's a huge difference between jogging by yourself at your own pace and then running with people. It sucks getting passed by people but at the same time you have to pace yourself and remind yourself that you're running it for you and not to win the race. This was what was going through my head.

Start point: I'm curious and semi-nervous because I don't know what to expect out of a race. When everybody starts to run I go a little faster than I normally would but I have to know that I'm not tryin necessarily to beat anyone; I have to run for me- at least for now.

As I'm about a mile into it- I can feel my lungs beginning to burn. Usually when I train the hardest mile is the first one because that's when your blood is pumpin the most and you have to get used to that. I'm trying to keep a rhythm and not go too hard in the beginning because I don't want to flame out towards the end. I'm watching people pass me but I don't bother, I try to focus on the task at hand.

When I get to the half-way point (1.6 miles); I go grab water from the water kids. Now I understand why people hardly drink that shit hah because you're in motion...too afraid to stop and kill any momentum you have. Basically I throw the water towards me and whatever falls in my mouth does.

2 and a half miles in I'm just wondering when the fuck is this gonna end. Some lady passes me tellin me I'm doin a good job and it's almost over. I kinda didn't want to hear that though because now I'm just expecting for it to be over real soon. My legs are achin, I'm breathin ridiculously hard and I'm just pushin myself just to finish this shit. When I train I typically start slower and then just pick up the speed especially when I see the finish line. Finally I see the clock and it says 27:45 and counting...honestly I hadn't ran that quickly when by myself but now I push it to try to get there under 28 and a half and I do (barely). 28:28 and 88th place out of 158. Not too shabby except I finished last in my age group hah (20-24) but lets face it...that's the group of death right there.

*****INTERMISSION******

Jersey vs. Long Island: Game 1- Looks.

Through my research and opinion as well as getting the opinions of others; this was a hella close contest.

I work at the Apple Store in Roosevelt Field mall so I do get to see a lot more in the way of LI chicks than I do Jersey. However, they both are hot and pretty much look the same, especially the guid-tastic almost as brown as me Camaro lovers. Though both groups are well renouned for putting on a good amount of makeup- I gave the edge to LI in terms of better bodies; however the edge went to Jersey in terms of how they dress themselves because LI chicks dress like total sluts; especially the younger ones. I don't blame them for showing off what they got because damn it I'd beat (17 and over) but have some respect hah. Talking to people it seemed to be a 50/50 split with some saying Jersey by far, others saying LI by far and then the people who basically could've flipped a coin to determine who's hotter and to be frank with you...I could do this 10 times and each team would probably win 5 times. However, in an double-OT thriller, I gave the edge to LI chicks because ultimately, there's more MILFs out there therefore you know that they're gonna age better.

LI leads the series 1-0. Next game: Personality.

I wear my sunglasses at night. And so on.

The Epiphany Symphony (aka Rah-Rah).

Bah I'm bored. Yeah it's been a while but sometimes that writer's block gets the best of you. Also procrastination.

1) So me and my co-workers began our biggest loser competition to see who can lose 10% of their body weight the quickest. I weigh the most so you'd think I have to the favorite here because bigga nigga figgas like myself burn fat the quickest. I came in at 252, I don't exactly remember how much the other three weighed in but it was between 195-210 or some shit. My strategy: runnin, runnin, runnin. Though sooner or later I'm gonna have to incorporate some liftin, ballin before I get bored. This Nevadas thing might work against me tho damn TNTs. At least I don't drink beer or that'd be the end of me. I feel like I can win. Either way though my goal is to eventually be 200 and I have lost 7 pounds already so I'm at 245. I need to be at 227 to win.

*Disclaimer: Don't be fooled by the number I hold my weight well. I may shake rattle and roll on occasion but it's not that sloppy fish gaspin for air type thing. Then again that may be the reason why DK can't handle chicks that weigh less than 130 or some shit.

2) Some random things that have happened at Nevadas recently:

a) Some dude holds the door open for me which I appreciate and then I tell my boy Lee (who's Italian) to "do his job" aka hail a cab because they're not gonna slow down for me nor Jamal I already know this. The dude thinks I'm talkin about him and begins to bitch about "don't tell me this is my job the fuck is your problem". Dude. Slow your role. You first copy my style by rockin arguably my favorite shirt of all time (but he had it in green) and then seein how I'm not lookin at your direction think that I'm talkin to you? Clownass nigga.

b) Some chick who quite frankly I didn't think would bust out these moves and is wearin a leopard print dress (she was tan as all hell so it kinda worked well on her) was outside of Nevadas trashed I'm sure with some narly dude mohawk-haired guy and mockingly I go to her saying "yeah Long Island wooo". Now I don't know the truth to all of this but according to my boy he said she called me a nigger. Now if she did that further proves my point that most LI'ers are ignorant bigots.

c) How do you boo someone singing Karaoke? Especially given some of the trash song selection people have yet they get props? My boy Jamal decides to sing some Kanye West and a song like that always gets the people goin but when he stumbled on the words he begins...to get booed? Most people (as they should when bent) don't even know the words and just start dancing yet everyone is like yayyy (likely because it's Journey- I HATE that song). To save his soul I came in and helped him out with the rest of the song which earned him applause afterwards.

d) Attention-grabbing whores are the worst. You wanna go start screaming and then shaking your shoulders, I mean, ass and going woo to each other dancing in your retarded circle. Then if you see a DK imposed figure come to you and try to start dancing you get freaked out that how BET portrays black people is gonna be true and daddy wouldn't like that. I would drink Muscle Milk but apparently that shrinks your cock. So does HGH. Protein I don't think so, Powerbars I wouldn't be surprised. Fist-pump time.

3) I've always bashed the Ronkonkoma train for being full of retards. I dub it the Ron-kick-rocks-oma train. However when I had to take the Port Washington train because the LIRR schedule fucked me over; I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was on a one-way ticket to My New Haircut headquarters.

4) Mets fire Willie Randolph. Am I happy? Yes. Am I happy with the way management handled things? Not at all. Has this been discussed many a time in NY? Yes so I'm not gonna get into it too much. All I know is that the players have been underachieving big-time and a change was necessary.

5) I believe in Gambling Gods. And they are pure evil. What happened to me last night was absolutely cruel and crass. Check this out:

$10 to win $26 on 2-teamer:
SF-KC over 8.5
Sea-Atl under 8.5

$20 to win $24 on Boston -1.5

$30 to win $48 on Atlanta -1.5

Boston is the best home team in the Majors at 28-7 (at the time) and just own the NL in interleague play. Cardinals just got swept by the Royals of all teams. Easy money right?

Meanwhile, Atlanta had a 25-10 record at home, facing the worst team in baseball who just fired their manager. No problem right?

Except for that St. Louis and Seattle both win?!?! I KNOW for a damn fact if I don't put money on either game those outcomes would have happened. And just to add insult to injury- Seattle-Atlanta was 4-1 in the top of the 8th and with the gods sensing that I wasn't too overly concerned because I had the under of that game too...decide to give Seattle an offense all of a sudden to fuck me over. You can't be serious.

6) I feel ridiculously lazy at work these days. I go in and I try to avoid talking to customers almost because I get so incredibly bored talking about computers and iPods and I'd rather be working at the cash register because there at least I can just scan and make these fools bounce. Sure I would love to show these people the computer but I don't have the patience and besides most of the time I help out college students anyway who already know what the deal is so that makes my life a heckuva lot easier. There are times I won't lie that I wish that either:
a) I was still in college/about to head to college
b) I went to school away.

7) Now bumpin: Lovin' It by Little Brother. I fuckin love this beat.

8) DK Playbook move of the week: The Manu Ginobili Wild Drive. For you people who don't know who Manu is, he's a basketball player who plays for the San Antonio Spurs who when he drives down the lane goes in with reckless abandon and throws in some crazy ass shot that manages to get in most of the time. Anyway, this move is done when there's a cluster of girls and you just break through the cluster somehow. Your goal is to draw a foul (in other words find someway to get attention to you). A good way of sliding in is if you see chicks takin pictures of each other you can ask if they don't mind all of them takin a group photo. That can if you don't have the itis to start a discussion and perliforate yourself. A side-effect of this is if you remain solo the chicks probably think you have no friends or that your friends are pussies because they're standing back watching it unfold and not talkin to them- maybe even thinking that they dared you to do it...which is no fun.

9) Next entry I am gonna begin my best-of-seven New Jersey vs. Long Island ladies series. I've been promising this for a while but I've been doing my research still and all that jazz and Game One will commence. I feel like it's gonna be a close battle because though they have their similarities (a lot), there are suttle differences in them. Game One is gonna be about looks so we'll see who comes out on top...and I'll tell you, it's a TOUGH one.

*Disclaimer: If anyone wants to help me out (dudes or ladies) feel free to add your 2 cents in and potentially help out your cause.

10) Celtics win. Fuck them, but glad for Kevin Garnett for sure.

And so on.

Mid-Week Yap Yap.

I've had the itis.

1) Last weekend was pretty entertaining for me. Thursday night was game 1 of the Celtics-Lakers series and though it was a good game where both teams played hard; I couldn't really get into it like that. I will admit though, that KG putback dunk was crazy and made Nevadas (predominately rooting for the C's) go wild. Celtics win and usually after that a lot of people leave after the game is over but it was an exception this time, as Karaoke popped off. I guess there were a lot of happy bandwagoners, I mean, people. My homegirl from UF came on through so of course as I initiate them- they sip on the DKool-Aid. Reason why I found Thurs night so entertaining was because I sang some song (Pimpin All Over the World) and then suddenly some chick is all over me. I don't know who she is, don't even remember who she is (I doubt I got her name)...and though she was with some guy (and yeah she went back with him)...I was unintentionally stickin it to him. I have her number stored on my phone as "Some Chick I met on 6/6". I haven't hit her back up although it is a 248 (Michigan) area code which means Michigan viva la white girls have jungle fever. Apparently she goes "You'll be here next week? Me too." I don't believe that for a second but I miiiight call her on that. Friday night was a throwback night of some sorts- I went to Cheap Shots and I wound up meetin up with a few dudes I remember from HS. I was somewhat twisted and I knew they were gone- it felt like a family reunion hah...it seems like when I make guest appearances they are a huge effin deal "OHH SHITTT, IT'S J-ROLL!!" For those that don't know, J-Roll was my nickname in HS (I care not to explain it right now hah). It was excitin tho I hadn't seen most of these dudes since Prep and if there's one thing I love about Prep is that everybody remembers each other even though we had a graduating class of oh around 650.

1a) This leads to some theory I made up called "Call Don't Lie". Similar to my Text Test- I rarely make a call out to someone unless it's worth it and the clickin was pretty good. Though girls love textin; they don't mind a phone call either you just have to time it proper and it might get shit out the way quicker. Well- yall exchanged numbers so 99% of the time the dude has to be the initiator. She picks up- at least she's intrigued by who's callin. She doesn't pick up- she might be shy or remembers in a sober state "Thank god I am not the next Knocked Up". Call Don't Lie! I delayed too much with this one I already know that (she saved my number on her phone as Jaypsn Jayz so obviously she was drunk/can't spell) so that could be bad. My bartender Lauren told me it was a good idea NOT to holla, but I am DK.

2) So I read on the news yesterday that 1 outta every 4 New Yorkers has Herpes. This is DK's breakdown:

1) Long Island you figure it's 7 out of 8. LI is the STD capital of the nation.
2) The Hood you got seagulls/vultures who want great sex without the latex but risk gettin the late text and the hoodrats who bounce around too. So probably 3 out of 4 there.
3) Upstate there's nothin to do but smoke, drink and bone. But it's less populated so they confine to themselves. So 1 in 10 there.
4) The Myspace to Myplace crowd: If you're hollerin online you never know what to expect so that's Russian Roulette.

So 1 out of 4 sounds accurate.

3) July 11th ladies and gentlemen...the new iPhone 3G comes out. I ain't even gonna lie- it sounds dope (go on the damn apple website and check it out yourself) but I ain't gonna switch to AT&T first off...and secondly unless I get the phone for free I'm just gonna wait and get a Blackberry anyway with my Verizon Broadband. It's entertainin with people already comin in askin if it's here or not, if they can pre-order, if they can have me hold one for them. No, No and NO you fiendin ass muhfuckas. The 5-iphone crew/dynasty (dependin on if they're Indian or Chinese) will be saddened to know that you MUST activate the phone with AT&T now in the store HAHAHAHA how bout them apples (no pun intended at all). Oh yeah, and the phone is $199 and $299 respectively for the 8 and 16 "Jiggas". 7-11 is gonna be one helluva interesting day I tell you that much.

4) Workin on the Island and seeing what R.Kelly is going through makes me think of something off the bat- the R.Kelly Complex. Though I don't in any way condone what Kells did...I can see where he's comin from. You see how fuckin grown these under-17 chicks look now...and especially how they dress? It's gotta be a byproduct of their parents being strict at home and because of so, they go to their friends' house I'm sure, dress in pretty much nothin, Myspace themselves in person and then hit up the mall so people like me can look and go dayyyyam. Fuck it though some of the parents let them go out like that too. I could never. These broads look like they're in college or at the very least about to be...but half of them haven't even had their My Super Sweet 16 yet. And it's the ones who are actually in college that look younger believe it or not. It's very deceptive. I don't think these girls care tho because they are from LI and prob do want to fuck anyway but they are afraid of what daddy would think if she went to the Chocolate Shop without permission. Oh, and in Kells case- leave the videotapes at home next time. No one cares about PG-13 Sex Planet my man.

5) Being a Mets fan is becoming increasingly frustrating. Good 2 out of 3 set in SF where I totally understood the first loss (because goin from NY-SF right after a night game you're not gonna be focused)...but being swept 4 in a row by a depleted Padres team and losing 2-1 three consecutive times??? Our pitching gives us a chance to win yet suddenly we can't hit. Then...we decide to hit in the last game and then...yes...the bullshitpen returns and we lose 8-6. No comment about last night either where we jump out to a 5-1 lead and then Arizona roars back to win. And great, Brandon Webb pitches against Pelfrey tonight. Chalk that one up to Zona EASY.

6) Celtics-Lakers I had Lakers in 6 before and I am still gonna stick to it.

7) The fuck is this supposed to mean? "You were a great candidate for the position but you didn't fit our needs at this time?" Well, I must've done somethin right just to get an opportunity to be interviewed so DUH I had to be a great candidate. But at this time I don't fit? Am I a round peg (yes I am a bit rotund but come on) that can't fit in a square hole, you need a square right now and in 6 months you want a round one? I love how nice they make it out to be that you don't get a certain position. Though- I'll give them credit in that they were people of their word and did promise to get back to me.

And so on.

DK's Playbook: The Two-Man Bob-N-Weave.

Each week for the next several weeks I'm gonna give yall a glimpse into my playbook on how I approach the ladies. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't but as long as they make an appointment with Mr. I Can't Make an Appointment then you win.

The Two-Man Bob-N-Weave is run as follows:

Say you're at a spot and there's a cluster of chicks and you happen to know one or two of them. It's easy to slide in there say wassup to the chick(s) that you know; introduce your boy to that chick and in that context it will allow her to make it easy to introduce her entire clan. From there unless this chick wants you, it is relatively easy to pick-and-click on the chicks that you want to talk to. The most effecient way of doing this is by boxin out just having the four of you talk in a square so both are getting the equal amount of attention. Then you can post up with one while the other does the same thing. If you play your cards right then they're gonna forget about their other friends and you got it in the bank.

If you don't know any of them you just have to keep in mind that you have nothing to lose and even if you get rejected, the ladies probably respect the fact you had the balls to come into their territory. You just can't be awkward with it that's all. Pretty similar to the Manu Ginobili Wild Drive (which is another play in my book).

- Counter-Attack: The Spygate/Swoop from Above. A technique that although I've seen before I never actually thought it would work but the chicks musta been fickle as fuck- is when a set of dudes watch your style and after seein how willing-and-able they are...feel like they have a shot. So one guy makes a move and with her friend seeing this, walks over to her and the dude introduces his other boy to her. Their 2 other cronies are there for insurance purposes in effect doin the bodyguard thing. Your only hope is that the chicks recognize what's crackin and they go back to you. This is a devastating counterattack that can lead you to being frustrated but you have to keep your cool. It was a good game you played hard but you just got out-flanked and out-numbered.

Quote of the Week: "I feel like Joey Porter vs. New England"- my boy Lee after we suffered that Spygate attack on Thursday night. For those that don't understand the quote- he's referring to when Porter made a comment that he now feels cheated that the Pats probably cheated their way to victory in the 2005 AFC Championship game while Porter was a member of the Steelers.

Ask DK section:

From Kevin: I was talking to my girl the other day and she was talking about her guy friend the "Ladder Theory" popped into my head and I told her about it and showed it to her and told her how he wasn't really her friend cause he wanted to sleep with her and yada yada. She sat there and denied it even though he called her drunk a few weeks ago and confessed his undying love for her so I decided to prove her wrong. I grabbed her phone as she sat beside and texted the kid and said shit like "Am I pretty?" and all that shit to make it seem like it was her. Then I came up with the genius idea to make up a story saying (acting like it's her texting) "Some guy I turned down at the mall got pissed at me and told me I was so ugly that even if I stood in front of a guy naked that he wouldn't have sex with me" and we waited for a response. As she sat there and told me that he would say, and I quote.. "He would say he would but we are too close so he wouldn't want to ruin our friendship". As I laughed in her face her phone went off and in the text it said something along the lines of "If it were me I def. would". I didn't even care he wants to fuck my gf cause I was just so damn happy to prove that the Ladder Theory actually works and I still continue to bring it up to her.

My response to that: Tru story. When you go holla at a chick you first do it for the looks effect. Once you're in the friends zone it's hella difficult if not impossible to get out of, and she loses a lot of that flair/sex appeal that she initially would have had. Your interest in her becomes obsolete, even in just having normal conversation. The thought process is "Fuck, not another friend/someone to talk to about how my day is going zzzz". Granted, there are a couple of exceptions to this rule; one being if she's your boy's girlfriend and two if you're actually comfortable with being just a friend with her (which I bet you only have 2-3 of which).

From Mookie: Why is Wale so good?

My response to that: This dude is pretty effin good. Check him out here. What makes me a converted fan of his is that the dude seems to have a combined down south/east flow and he's also not always rappin about that bling bling bullshit. To me, he's a better version of Kanye West.

And so on until next time you rat bastards.