DK's Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 3/20/10).

Before I continue with the tales of cabbie appreciation weekend...I'd like to forewarn yall that beginning Monday March 22nd I will no longer be posting my tales on the R-Block Blotter. The new webpage will be http://thebrokenmeter.wordpress.com (though I'll be getting rid of the ".wordpress" ish. For my faithful followers who read it through my Facebook RSS feed you'll still get the links posted onto my Facebook page.

I got off to an inauspicious start to my day at the airport. I decided to walk around for quite a bit thinking that the lines weren't moving all that quickly. Come to find out by the time I get to my senses..my cab is the only one on my line and about 5 or so lines had already left. FUUUUCKKKK ha. But I had a good feeling about the trip I was gonna get and lo and behold...I get this blonde chick headin into Manhattan. $56.25 after tip thank goodness.

The only person to briefly piss me off today was this simple hybrid DMX/Cam'ron lookin nigga around Broadway and 33rd street. He was in front of me & I guess he was trying to back up into a parking space so I did what I had to do and tried moving to my left. For some reason though this fucker punches my side window and starts bitchin. I can't hear a word he's saying but he's givin me the TO crying face. I snarled at him because I knew for a fact that if I was driving a private car you wouldn't dare touch the vehicle. What makes the fact I'm drivin a cab different?

My passengers of the day: This group of 5 that crams into my cab around Church & Walker street after I dropped off a pretty blonde (more on her later in the chronicle). A chick gets in the front this time (she did have a ring on it tho damn ha) and almost immediately she tells me I got some nice tunes on which I appreciate. Thank DJ Big Ben 12-4 Saturday Nights Hot 97. We kick it briefly talkin about she lives in DC and I'm a native. "Concrete jungle where dreams are made of!" Yes...there's nothin you can't do. Anyway, they work for the NY Red Bulls & had went to the game at the new stadium and were continuing their bar hopping for the night. She exclaims that I'm the coolest cab driver she ever encountered. What I do?? A guy that was in the back gives me a $20 and tells me TO KEEP IT ALL. The fare was $7.30. I love you (no homo).

Right after them (I'm now on Greenwich Ave & Perry Street at a place called Fiddlesticks...DON'T ASK) I pick up these older ladies most likely in their 40s heading back to their hotel on 49th and Lexington. I engage in a typical conversation about how I have the most stressful job in America and how I'm able to keep my cool. "You don't let anything get to you it seems like." I appreciate the compliment but the nigga moments I've envisioned in my head are countless. They ask me where's the best slice of pizza in town. I tell them that they haven't lived until they try Artichoke Pizza (14th between 1st and 2nd aves). Intriguingly enough one of them went to West Virginia and the other one went to Pittsburgh for college. They're best friends...but that's one thing they'll never agree on. West Virginians burn couches. I once again get called the coolest cab driver. Is this a trend?

I picked up these four broads around Gold Street who head to 21st and Broadway to some club. "Get on the FDR" I KNOW THAT YOU DIMWIT. What came out of my mouth though was "that was the plan all along". Because Hot 97 kept playing commercials I decided to put on 92.3 NOW. Ahh a Saturday Night Dance Mix this should be good. They tell me to put the volume up to the sounds of the Dush Dush Dush and one of the girls does her hands up fist pump. I get my fistpump on too. You hear the broads goin "woooooooo!" What other cab driver do you know who fistpumps while driving? I can't even have a bluetooth so why not.

As I've mentioned before some people buck stereotypes. This African-American family gets in my cab as I'm about to get the eff out of the Brooklyn Heights area to get back on the bridge. They take me to some random ass area...Throop Street and I forgot the cross street but I was not exactly somewhere where I wanted to be. Live in Bedford-Stuyvasant. After being directed by the mother their cab fare came out to about $10. But they tipped $2 and the dude even directed me on how to get back on the Williamsburg Bridge. And he dapped me. Black people love me again. I had to flip the off-duty light on though because I had no desire to stay within Brooklyn & I needed food so I went to the Mickey D's on Marcy. Hoodness gracious.

I get back into Manhattan and I pick up this Spanish woman. How she hailed the cab like she was waving a blanket to place back on my bed wasn't even the worst part...she is chompin down on her KFC meal and the aroma is gettin all up in my nose. Fuck, I'm not tryna get hungry again. She asks if I want some...I don't know where your hands have been and are you asking me because I love chicken? I don't even eat KFC though so no thank you. She tells me to get to 16th between 7th and 8th avenue. "You have to take 8th avenue up to 16th then make a right." I TOOK A FUCKIN GEOGRAPHY TEST AND WHO IS THE DRIVER?? WHO IS THE PASSENGER?? I KNOW THIS ALREADY!!! One of these days I might snap on a customer & tell them to drive themselves up somewhere if they really know how to. Until then however.

I pick up this family of 3 around Lincoln Center and they're headin to Lower Manhattan (this is right before the fistpumpers). They wanted to stop off at a wine shop (random) and then I had to head all. the. way. downtown. "Make a left on John Street please" THERE IS A ONE WAY POINTING LEFT ON JOHN STREET. Their fare came out to about $20 and I get $1 tip for my efforts. Holla.

DK's Bordello continues with this dude and seemingly his girlfriend getting in my cab trying to get to the west side. Next thing I know I'm lookin at my mirror and these muh fuhs are on some Young & The Restless soap opera type makeout scene where he's kissin her neck then she takes her arm around his head. And dahhhhh, eeeeeahhhhh. Ick. Then I see the chick's head disappear for a couple minutes. I hope this is not what I'm thinkin...and to be frank I really didn't want to know. It didn't happen, though. The broad kicks back & lays her damn feet on the top of one of my seats. Where's my Lysol? Their $13.50 ride gets rewarded with a $1 tip get the fuck out my cab.

This Punjabi MC assclown on 6th avenue is on the 2nd lane to the left and somehow someway...he decides to cut ALL THE WAY across the avenue to cut me off and pick up this couple. Really? REALLY?? Do you realize that that avenue has people BEGGING to be picked up and to do all of that to prevent me from pickin up a passenger was not needed. I'm glad he did though...because the next passenger I picked up was a chill dude tryin to go back to the east side. He goes on a spiel about his girlfriend (I can smell the weed on him all day ha) and how she's hella overprotective..needing to know like a week in advance when he's going out, etc. He asks me how he should approach it. I'm no relationship guru...my longest relationship is 6 months (but only 4.5 months really counted) but I'm guessin the best thing you do is talk it out & get to the root of the problem. Maybe she has trust issues? Maybe she's scared of the future of the relationship since things seemingly are goin really well right now? I don't know. But he appreciates my advice. I get a $4 tip from him.

This blonde chick gets in my cab around 8th and 32st street and tells me that "I have to go downtown but let me get out my phone so I can tell you exactly where." Fair enough. She got one of those Blackberry Storm phones & she immediately trashes it. I get confused though when she tells me that she doesn't like the trackball but she likes to be simple. There ain't nothin simple about a touchscreen sweetheart ha. She loves the fact that I'm a New York native and she tells me she was born & raised here also. We fist pound. We then converse about running away from home episodes which I thought was hella random yet intriguing. She mentions the word boyfriend. 10 second buzzkill ha. Apparently she had went to this concert at the Garden, I do NOT remember this guy's name but he's supposedly this modern-era Frank Sinatra. At the end of the ride "will you get mad at me if I pay credit card, because I've been yelled at before." Ha, I don't give a fuck how you pay me..never will. She shakes my hand upon leavin the cab. Damn I'm good.

These ppl in another cab yell towards my cab which scared the shit out of me ha...then ask if I'm the cash cab. Do I look like an effin cash cab ha? I can see why they asked I suppose, since my music was blastin.

I copped this girl's name yesterday...her name is JD and she works at B-Bar. I picked her up around there in that ruckus & I'm droppin her off back in Williamsburg. We get into an engaging convo about how bridge & tunnel nights are the devil and that while they're not shy about spendin $13 on shots of Patron there...that she'll only get $4 tip out of say someone spendin for 7 shots of it. Hella hella nice chick from the ROCK upstate. We agree that native New Yorkers are friendlier than out-of-towners who try too hard to adapt to our lifestyle & simply brag about being a "New Yorker" SIT YOUR ASS DOWN. She gives me $20 on a $13 ride. Next time I go to B-Bar I will return the favor.

These rich kids who I seriously doubt were even 18 get in my cab and go from Lexington & 39th by the W Hotel ALL THE WAY TO Ocean Parkway in Midwood I believe it is? They were pretty boring. When I pull up to Avenue T though, I'm pullin up next to a couple Benzes and a Bentley. No Beemers sorry. What. The. Fuck. Their cab ride was $35+tip= $41. "Do you have change for a $100?" Yall muh fuhs roll like that?? Yes I do but god damn.

"Crank it (Fabolous) the fuck up"- This white dude goin to St. Vincent's Hospital to go work. I was in tears for about 20 seconds.

My final passneger of the day was an African-American male who wanted to take me back to Brooklyn (St. Marks Avenue and Classon Ave). Sheeit, Bed-Stuy again...my stompin grounds I see. He tipped decently and whatnot which I was once again surprised about. Bed-Stuy at 3am is bad news. That off-duty light is my best friend although:
-Another Punjabi MC dude was trying to pull off and had his off-duty light on...but this Spanish broad is tryin hella hard to open the doors that he had locked. He VERY RELUCTANTLY lets her in and I think she is cussin him the fuck out ha. I was dyin. I feel Punjabi MC I really do...but hey that was one bad bitch.

Poll Question of the Day: What is more important to you? A smooth ride, even if it's a little slower...or a ride where the cabbie is swervin all over...but you get to your destination quicker?

And so on.

DK's Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 3/19/10).

Cabbie appreciation weekend seems to be rollin along quite nicely. I'm not sure what the deal is. I don't know if it's because I have an American accent, I drive calmly, if it's the nice weather or some type of combination...but people continue to tip very well. Do they secretly read my blog? Who knows, but you won't find me complaining aside from a few missteps.

To start my shift I'm at the JFK lot listenin to the conclusion of the Wofford-Wisconsin game when this Haitian dude in the next parking lane gets out and is talkin to some dude. He turns his back to him (but is facing my direction) and seemingly on cue with me facing his direction for a split second...whips his dick out & starts pissin right next to his cab. You THAT lazy to walk to the bathroom?? I know it's filthy but come the fuck on ha. Hopefully he didn't shake hands with his boy afterwards either. I could care less to know. I was traumatized for about 46 seconds tho.

I had a deja vu moment. Last Friday I was sent to Terminal 2 and the passenger I picked up was goin to East New York on New Jersey Avenue. Now, I'm being sent to Terminal 2 and this passenger I pick up is goin to East New York on New Jersey Avenue. As a matter of fact I think it's the same block also WTF. This guy though was Spanish and he tipped me 25%. But the main issue was that on Atlantic Avenue that street was closed off. Come to find out someone got shot & hella cops were searchin for the guy who did it. There was even a CBS2 chopper hoverin overhead. Doesn't summer start in June, not March? Needless to say when in ENY the off-duty light is on full blast.

This British dude gets in my cab & tells me to take him to Union Square. Another broad & her cronies would tell me the same shit later. Look...Union Square is a hella broad area, you need to be more specific about where you want me to drop you off at. As long as I see the words Union and Square that's where it's gonna be...I don't give a shit if it's 14th street or 17th street you're gonna have to deal with it. Anyhow the British dude pays with card and gives me a $0.00 tip. I tried so hard not to stifle my laughter bc it showed up on the meter. He felt bad however about it & that he forgot to add it. I get $2 tip. Nice recovery. The dumb broad & her cronies take a cab from 2nd and 14th to Union Square (4th and 14th) you have got to be kidding me. $4.30 but they give me $4. Whatever to be honest.

A lesson in idiocy took place around 745pm EDT. This broadicua initially hails a cab at 33rd street & 6th ave...then says nevermind...then as I'm about to pull off decides she wants to get in. Where you goin? "To the train station." Uh, which one? "6 train Park Avenue" The one on 33rd or 42nd Grand Central? "33rd." I have no problem with this obviously except for a few things:
1) It's 65 degrees out!
2) The station is 4 or 5 crosstown blocks away.
3) I can't even make a right turn on 34th street until 8pm so I have to go make it on 36th.
4) The bitch only had $5 to her name...which she doesn't tell me until I'm on Madison and 36th. "Sir I only got $5." How you gonna tell me this when as soon as you step in the cab it's $4 Mon-Fri between 4pm and 8pm. "I'm sorry sir." Maricon.
5) She was in need of burning some extra calories to put it nicely.
6) Her neck tattoo is tacky as fuck. Some chinese symbol...chinese tats are so 1999.

I guess I did have a problem with it, or 6. Her ride was $6.30 and since I only got the $5 it basically was a $4.50 ride for me. Fail.

Some people though are smart, even though it takes away some money from my ride. Broadway is a nightmare around the SoHo area and this chick wanted to take the cab to Spring street. We're stuck in traffic near Houston & she tells me she wants to get out...which is fine because Spring is 2 blocks away (albeit they're kinda long blocks but still..it's nice out).

The next dude that gets in my cab is carryin a TV that from what I know his gf bought but he had to pick up. I respect that. He goes on to tell me that he's a Cali boy, etc and that his dream is to own a Lamborghini. This was mentioned bc we saw one parked on 6th avenue in a chrome silver. Sleek shit. At a light he takes out his camera phone and shows me that he was doin 155 on the dash in a Subaru while drivin around the Sierra Nevada mountains. WTF?? I've hit 100 on the dash maybe twice..EVER.

Rules of cab engagement are simple. First come first serve. If you hail me from across the street & I stop; but someone else runs in before you get there...your loss. Time is money. Sure I want to be nice/cordial as possible but I gotta make moves.

This dude & his peeps get in and take me to 34th and 3rd from 11th and 1st. One of them asks me what my favorite 80s song is. I can't come up with any right now because the question came from left field. He asks me when I was born (1985) and the response: "WOW I thought I was young..I was born in 1981." Ohhh. Anyway, he tells me he went to NYU for graduate school and I tell him I went for my undergrad..but I'm jealous because he went to school at UMiami from 2000-2004. Talk about the football team for a bit & just how sick the 2001 squad was. He tells me that they're hella chill guys (I had a co-worker tell me the same thing about the football players while he was at The U also so it must be a trend).

One of the last groups of people I pick up were these Spanish peeps comin from Webster Hall. I immediately thought trouble but they asked to go to Penn Station. The 6 of em pack into my van. No they weren't goin to mow anyone's lawn. Big Pimpin comes on the radio & they tell me to blast it and they start singin the lyrics. I do too, and the guy in front goes "Hell yeah!" lmfaooo. They give me $10 on an $8.30.

I hit my goal around 2am & I see one of my boys standin outside of Nevada Smiths so I say fuck it lemme park & chill for a hot minute. Obviously I get asked if I have the cab on me or not. I do. One of my boys and his girlfriend ask for a ride to Brooklyn and they got it. Knowin I don't work for free, they get the ride and even tip me 25%. Life is good. I can go home in peace.

Drunky Saturdays begin at 415pm EDT so this should be good. And so on.

DK's Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 3/18/10).

Long-haul Thursdays were back at it again. It never fails...to the point where I ended my shift at midnight because I reached my goal, plus I got home at 4 last night and "didn't have enough sleep." I did sleep 6 hours but better safe than sorry.

My first passengers set a record for my most expensive trip. They were goin to this hotel in Jersey City from JFK ($94+tip= $100). The main thing that sucked about it was that I took the Lincoln instead of the Holland. My rate book friggin told me to take the former...even though I had a feeling it was the latter. He had no idea where it really was either so I had to ask a couple of people when I actually got to Jersey...but I eventually found it. The hotel was basically in "Newport".

I don't have anything bad to say about anyone today...with the brief exception of my final passenger who stayed on the phone for 3 minutes after I arrived at his stop (Grand Central Terminal). Twiddling my thumbs he finally tells me to go to LaGuardia. That's fine by me ($30+toll+tip= $43).

This black chick I pick her up around East Broadway & she got me goin to Alphabet City (7th btw B and C). Chill chick with a tongue ring lalalal. She tells me about the whole cabbies vs. niggas spiel which I obviously know and tells me about how she just moved from the BK out here. Nothin too crazy. She didn't tip like an average niggaette either. Her daughter who's probably 14-15? is waitin for her outside the apartment and the chick tells me that "my daughter think you look kinda cute." What I do?? Must be the fresh shapeup...or maybe because the sun went down. Either way.

There's always somethin about blondes and myself. Am I the new-era Tiger Woods of cabbies? Anyhow, this blonde tall sexpot comes in and takes me to the Upper East Side. She gets friendly & wants to start a conversation which I have no problem with. She was one of those chicks who you can tell loves her hairspray because I got it mixed up with a Glade Plug-In. The whole "taxi scam" story is discussed and I break it down to her. I even break down how most cabbies are treated like slaves by their garage owners which explains why some of them have done so (I'll explain this in a future post). She feels bad. I learn she's from Jersey. I coulda brought up the whole spiel about the woman there beggin to be the fattest in the world but I had forgotten. One of these days I'ma cop digits on the job. That day is still not today but she did tip $3 on a $10 ride.

I still can't get over how nice people were today. The fuck ha. Then again I didn't stay late enough tonight to pick up any drunkards. This most likely changes tomm beginning at 415pm EDT. I don't know if I'll get this lucky again.

And so on.

DK's Taxi Cab Chronicles (the passenger remix).

Today was my day off so this was my chance to put my fellow cabbies to the test.

First guy passed. I actually got picked up immediately (it was a Haitian I'm assuming) and went to my spot without incident. I gave him $5.10+tip=$7 because I know my role.

Second guy I went from Nevadas to Penn Station. He does a good job but I do notice that the taxi TV is broken. I should smell what that means but I'm gonna attempt to be a grade A jackass. I can't even do that. There's a Chase bank on 32nd and 7th ave and I tell the muh fuh to drop me off on the north side of 31st and 7th. He TURNS LEFT AND GOES SOUTH. I don't have a Capital One account you jackass. His credit card machine is "broken" and in fact it actually is because I couldn't touch the screen. But I know the whole situation. Capital One charges me $2.75 to use their machine. I gave him $8.30+tip=$10 but to never do that BS again because I drive a cab. He goes oh.

I know, not entertaining whatsoever but this was the muh fuh remix.

And so on.

DK's Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 3/16/10).

The tables turned today. The weather was much nicer...and most people were likewise; but every dog tries to ruin your day. Hell, even I made mistakes. Shit.

My first passengers of the day didn't speak a lick of English. They must have came from the Dominican Republic or some shit and were headin to the Rockaways. Muy bueno. I had never got on the Cross Bay Bridge before and this was actually my first time driving past Howard Beach. My window was down but I should have rolled that bitch up just in case someone was thinkin about lynchin me. It's 2010 though not 1990. In another shocker, the fare was $32 and the guy just gave me $40 and told me to keep it. Gracias senor. I'm not gonna lie my eyes bugged out when I got back to the car.

After I dropped off some folk by Madison Square Garden, someone asked me where the Continental Airlines Arena was. They wanted to see the Nets game. If he wasn't a tourist I woulda pfffft lmfao'd at him directly. I still did this, albeit mentally. I later told him it was a little under 20 minutes via taxi.

Everything is chill until I pick up these 4 sassy broads & their guy that they were chillin with. Go figure the guy sits in the front. Fuck my life. Anyway they were goin to the Metropolitan Museum of Art on 53rd btw 5th and 6th. I wanted to make a right on Madison because 53rd goes east-west but you can't make a right between 7am-7pm. It was 656pm. This set the stage for this Kimbo Slice/Freeway crossbred nigga on a Harley Davidson & my showdown. I inadvertently cut him off because I was tryin to avoid shit...but I will take the blame. He goes "you saw me right?" I look forward even tho I heard him. We both get caught at a red. Kimbo pulls to my side & says "I should punch you right in your fuckin mouth." Oh really?? But since I have much more at stake here, the nigga moment is about to be deaded. I tell dude to calm down it's not that serious...I saw you but I cut you off my bad whatever. He says some shit about "Don't play dumb." Meh.

I'll take the L on that one I got got. But lemme tell you somethin, it's pretty easy to talk tough when on a motorcycle & having free range of motion vs. someone inside a cab. It's also pretty easy to pop off when you don't have much to lose while I have EVERYTHING to lose and really nothin to gain. He'd prob beat me up pretty good, wouldn't lie...looked like a dude who'd want to get into fights. At the end of the day though, I'm workin. No need to get into a verbal joust & feed the monkey more bananas so he can power up.

I took another L later on in the day when Rex Ryan in 15 years (if the Lap Band fails) came in my cab wantin to go to 90th and Riverside Drive. I got stuck in traffic on 42nd street for a bit...but it turned out to be because a bus stalled. Otherwise, it was pretty smooth sailing. I got $20 from him but then of course AS HE'S GETTIN OUT that's when he wants to get smart and say "bad idea taking 42nd street across." Just as I was about to say "oh, what should I have taken instead then?" the door closes. Smart ass. He was right though in that I should have taken 6th avenue up to 59th; go up Broadway to Amsterdam and then turn left on 89th street. Might have been better. BUT had the bus never been stalled on 42...all bets would have been off so shut the FUCK up. People are too busy wanting to be heard, and then they wonder why they're a part of the herd. Fuckin sheep.

I was in an ornery mood after that one for a while but ultimately I calmed down. The thing that made me go hmm today was these cougar broads & sidekick who get in my cab on 3nd avenue and 6th street. I have to ask these fucks 3x where they're going. St. Mark's between 2nd and 3rd. We're here already. "No fucking way are you serious I'm so sorry." in an Irish accent. I wasn't sorry when even though it was a $3.90 ride I got $6. I almost stood up and Riverdance'd.

Times are rough if you don't have $5 in your pocket so you gotta pay for that ride via credit card SMFH. Plus when the broad said 7th and Bleeker you shoulda heard her voice snap crackle & pop at Bleeker I thought she was havin a sex change on the spot.

I'm down in Chinatown cruisin when some broad sticks her hand out like a zombie on Resident Evil to hail my cab. Sheesh. She has like 4 huge boxes that her and her boyfriend need to put in my van. The boyfriend is being a MAYNE and is puttin everything in. It looks like one of those Lowe's Home Improvement commercials with the girl at the end lookin so appreciative. I drop them off & help them with some of the boxes which ruins the feel of that commercial scene I'm sorry. Guess it's more like Home Depot. You don't see black people in Lowe's commercials.

This West African gets in my cab carryin boxes. I thought that was his hidden stash of bootleg True Religions & Air Force 1s initially. He went back to the Hilton on "Avenue of the Americas" I've never heard someone call 6th avenue that before ha. He gives me $8.75 on an $8.70 ride. I knew better. I was about to get myself some chicken & rice thereafter at the spot (since it's on 53rd and 6th) but I take this guy who I thought told me 88th street & Madison. Nope. 88 Madison Avenue. Fuck my life. I did him a favor though I turned off the meter when it got to $9. But not before driving up to 88th and Madison first. 88 Madison Avenue is on 28th street. Ugh. That ride threw me off my rhythm & I didn't pick up anyone else the rest of the night.

If yall were wonderin what my opinions on people tippin today was...I was very impressed. I guess the UV Rays stimulate brain function. Mine today however, not so much but it happens. Next time: Thursday 415pm EDT. Bout to get my inner nigga mick on tomorrow.

And so on.

DK's Taxi Cab Chronicles (Moments I Forgot to Mention).

I deal with so many muh fuhs out there that sometimes I forget some shit only for those memories to resurface.

The same people from Saturday night with the DK-plus sized fella askin about porn...I said the word "yall" and one of the dudes assumes I'm not from around here. I laugh at him and ask him where you think I'm from?? His first guess is Texas. WTF?? Do I have a southern drawl or somethin?? You tryna call me Mike Jones? SMFH. Anyway, he goes on to say "I'd figure you'd say "yous guys."" Hold that thought. When's the last time you heard a black person say "yous guys?" I love my Italian people, I have a fetish for Italian girls, I love goin to Mulberry Street every now and feel like the Token Mafioso...but come on.

The drunk kid who blasts my radio thinkin it was Funkmaster Flex...his boy first said I looked like Rick Ross. (50% combo hit). Then he said scratch that...more like Timbaland (Fatality). Fuck my life.

Why in God's name would you hail a cab on the OPPOSITE corner when you want to go one-way down that same fuckin street? These Spanish people I swear. I pick them up & they expect me to cut through FOUR lanes to make a right turn on Houston Street. I subliminally shitted on them though, when they got out the cab and gave me a $10 on a $5.60 fare...they asked me for $4 back and I said "Heh heh I figured." It went over her head like a Jamarcus Russell 5 yard pass.

This one dude that took me to Brooklyn Heights...I swear I never seen a white person run so fast. I thought he was gettin chased in the safari by a lion. I was on the FAR right side of Houston Street and he comes SPRINTING from I'd say 70 yards away running across 7 lanes (it was a red light). Usain Bolt would have been jealous & might have lost to this guy. I didn't even get a chance to move.

Yeah that's it for now on these lost sagas. New shift tomorrow beginning at 415pm EDT chillin at the JFK Airport lot (where yes there's a place where Muslims can pray to the East to Allah but what about if I want to kneel down & pray to God?? I can't. I lose.)

And so on.

DK's Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 3/14/10).

Some cab drivers have crossover moves that would make Allen Iverson jealous. This one muh fuh comes from the middle lane ALL the way to the right lane JUST to pick up someone and I nearly annihilated his vehicle. Fortunately I wasn't goin too fast but DEAR GOD. Then this simpleton in a regular van thinks it's a great idea to make a right turn on the 2nd to right lane as I'm tryin to go straight.

I'm not gonna front, when this Asian couple got into my van for some reason I thought to myself if they're havin sex that it would basically be a Japanese Anime porn in real life. Probably. Imagine Chun-Li of Street Fighter havin an orgasm. I have too much time on my hands sigh.

This dude was talkin to his date (I don't think him and the chick he was with were official or anything) and he said Snooki was from New Jersey. The girl he was with said she's never been to Jersey and she hates the show. They make out. I make out with a 20 cent tip. I made a U-Turn to pick up these clowns in Bill Clinton Harlem. I deserve better.

These 2 gay brothas get in my cab goin to one of their lairs...8th avenue and 23rd street. One was talkin about dance choreography for a bit or some shit. The other one's laugh was a giggle. It happens. Later on in the night I pick up these 2 older gay folk. One of em seemed to be upset about how his night was ruined. Yes, he did an "ohhh". I turned off my hearing after all that but yes they did cheek kiss. I turned the other cheek. I then realized I can't do that I have to turn my entire head. He called his friend baby. I can't discriminate. Gay people's money is money too.

I passed another brotha by mistake today. This time it was because by the time I was able to get to the right lane I was too far & stumbled upon these white girls. Let it snow. The brotha did get his cab though but I felt bad. I promise.

Lemme tell you somethin...GET THE FUCK OFF THE PHONE WHEN I'M AT YOUR STOP & PAY UP. Time is money. You'd probably get all pissy if I was textin at a green light so what makes you think I'm gonna kool-aid smile and wait for you to finish textin. This broad last night did this and this dude does it tonight.

My favorite person of the day however was this cute ass chick on 57th and 2nd avenue. Some jackass made me miss the light...but then I saw the white. She was goin by 16th street & Union Square West. Then my dream came true, she wanted to put on makeup & sit in the front with me. Jackpot. We start conversin and do so for the whole ride. She's from Denver & was visiting some of her homegirls. She got a kid who's about to be two years old. She's single. I'm single. She's 25. I'm 25. This is too good to be true, I am lust-smitten. Then she pays me $15 on a $9 fare. The dream ends when she gets out and tells me to take care and have a good night. Damn. I wanna go to Denver now; apparently it's the Mile High City but their brains seem to flow better even with the thinner air.

DK's Cab-Ulary: Suckahhh- I say this when I either a) cut in front of someone to get a passenger or b) when the passenger goes in my cab rather than some other dude's. I'm not gonna cut through 3 lanes of traffic no, maybe one or two, but I won't OD and make someone see their life flash before their eyes. This ain't ABC. B happened twice actually. The first time with the semi-dramatic gay dude & his "baby" because after I dropped off that aforementioned Asian couple they hailed a cab & this guy was ready to get them. They saw my van. I win. The latter was kinda fucked up though. At Penn Station there's a taxi stand and I'm not on it; I'm waiting at a light. This broad says fuck those fellas waiting at the taxi stand & gets in my cab because I can make a left on 32nd street. They can't. Suckahhhhs.

Oh yeah I forgot the dumbass of the day. I pick up these 2 broads from Whole Foods going to 3rd street between Avenues A and B. When I get to Avenue B and 3rd street I know I'm supposed to take a left. The Asian chick goes "make a left here." I had my blinker on from jump you dumbass. I know you want to be Google Maps but your job is to sit down & shut up unless asked. Why do Asians give me the hardest time? Is it because they have natural tunnel vision?

And so on.

DK's Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 3/13/10).

One of my best childhood friends had his birthday party tonight at Promenade. I had to work tonight. I lose.

On days like this one where the winds are HOWLING (wind gusts over 65 is absurd) and rain coming down in sheets...some people will test your patience. This asian broad for example asks me to drop her off at 68th and 1st (or so I thought- but she meant 60th). She goes "get to your right, your far right." I'm doing this. "YOUR FAR RIGHT"...I heard you. I pull over she pays good enough but that's not the point. She then just sits there. "My receipt??" Ohh. Say somethin earlier bitch I'm not a 3rd grade teacher. Competent people will tell me to give them the receipt right after they finish paying. She snatches the receipt from my hand & slams the door.

This Mexican dude who hails the cab with his hand stickin out like a figure skater tryin to twirl (and it makes sense since he's wearing a scarf) tells me "You gotta take me to Brooklyn 49th street & 5th avenue." I don't gotta do shit.

Intermission (DK's Cab-Ulary): Buzzkill Trip- a trip that takes you hella out of your way from where most people are at. For example, a trip to Sunset Park at midnight on a Saturday night is NOT ideal. The fare will be good...but I have to drive quite a while without pickin up anyone.

Anyway, this muh fuh starts talkin to himself in Spanish. It sounded like he was cryin for a split second too. It seemed like somethin out of Telemundo. He slides my mini-mirror closed & thinks that I can't hear him talkin to himself. $28+tip= $30 trip but that dude worried me.

These NYJew broads (I knew because they were goin to 3rd North) pay me $8 on a $7.90 fare. NYJew lives to its moniker. Someone else tips me 50 cents on the credit card machine. One of these days I'ma take a picture of that shit because it looks hella humorous. The grade A jackass of the day however was this guy waiting for his girlfriend to try & slide my door close...and when she couldn't do it, instead of him offering to help her I had to do it for her. The fact she paid too is neither here nor there but man up.

The only two radio stations I USUALLY have it on are Hot 97 and Power 105 because they keep me sane. Today was probably the first time I actually had people request me to change the stations. This well-dressed African-American male who had me take him to Harlem told me to switch the station because of Lil Wayne. EH-EMMM tru indeed...put it on Z100..doesn't work either, so I just turn it way down. He then goes on a schlep about how he thinks rap music nowadays is garbage, etc nothing that I haven't heard before and gives me some black history lessons. You're a month late brotha, nah I'm kiddin it was legit shit. Then he turns the conversation religious. Gulp. It was too deep for my liking but he gave me a business card that had a couple of websites where I could check out what he was talkin about. He basically told me that Satan needs company since misery loves company. Also, about how the Middle East used to be Northeast Africa until they formed a river. Blew my mind. And he actually tipped well ($3 on a $16 trip). This other broad who took me to Queens wanted me to put "more mellow music" on. I put it on 88.9 or some shit and they were playing jazz I believe. Not bad. We had a short conversation about how radio stations here suck and that I should listen to 93.9FM. Maybe one day. She tipped well too. And then...

You get the white guy who loves his rap music. I had it on Power 105 and he told me I MUST put on Hot 97 because Funkmaster Flex is the best DJ out there bar none. He said that, not me (drops bomb). Funk Flex comes on on Saturdays between 7 and 11pm. It's 1am and the kid thinks it's Funk Flex (it's really DJ Big Ben though) but I gotta let the hella inebriated kid live. He blasts the music like the porch monkey from the other day did. His cronies tho givin me $4 on a $6 trip fuck it do whatever you want. A couple of other people who get in my cab were appreciative of what I was blastin in the cab. I can't take all the credit for it tho ha. This one guy thought I should be a DJ.

I've had maybe 3 couples have makeout sessions in my cab & each time they've tipped 50 cents or less. This isn't a fuckin bordello.

This dude even bigger than myself gets in with his friends & asks jokingly if I have porno. I wouldn't want dudes wackin off to porno in my cab. Females can rub one out at anytime however.

I got my long-awaited inebriated as fuck chick argument that I'd been longing for. All I had to do was go to McFaddens. This cute chick & her aight friend get in my cab and initially they tell me to go to some place where upon further review is in Bedford-Stuyvasant. "I'm your best friend I won't let you go alone!!" "I'm fine I'm SERIOUS!!" you know that kinda ordeal. The dude apparently they were with was like "You leavin like that, you're kidding me?!" Yep. He freaks out. She decides that she's just gonna go to Grand Central Terminal & call it a day and tells me her story. Basically, she was in a seven year relationship & the dude cheated on her. Ever since then, she has trust issues. The dude she was dating tonight made out with her best friend. Yeah, that one that she told to get out the cab. Did I mention it was that chick's birthday too? What a present eh? She was relatively calm all things considered. I told her everything will be okay and she'll be okay. She smiled. I wanted to take her home to my mom her smile was adorable. I would have done the whole hold hand thing but that woulda been OD.

Lastly, I understand how hard it is to find a cab on Saturday night. I've been there & had to get on a dreaded livery cab to go to Penn Station last week for instance. But it is NOT OKAY to stand on a lane or 2 of traffic and try to hail one down when I'm speedin down at 30mph. I don't wanna lay someone out. If my medallion light is OFF then I have a passenger so get the fuck out the way. This broad starts boogin on the street; my steering wheel coulda did the Harlem Shake but this isn't Grand Theft Auto.

And so on.

DK's Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 3/12/10).

It's Fridayyy nightttt and people just got paid. So yeah, let's everyone fuckin give me $20 bills and take all my muh fuckin change. Segue:

I started later than usual today because my partner-in-crime who drives the cab in the early shift didn't finish until around 530 (2 hours late). My first trip was a "shorty" to the infamous East New York section of Brooklyn. Sigh. Last time I was around there I got a $2 tip on a $33 ride so I wasn't expectin shit this time. $24+$1= $25 gimme $5 back. Negrodamus wins. Flawless Victory.

The character of the day however came on my second ride. This Moroccan dude who just flew in from Paris is all excited about comin to "my favorite city in di whole entire world NEW YORK." Aww. Anyway, he asks me if I like rap music (stereotype) and yes I do. He tells me some shit about how he is gonna meet P. Diddy this week for a meeting because he sent a CD in and he supposedly liked it. Whether or not this story is true it was entertaining to hear him talk about how he quit drinkin 3 years ago...but all he ever drank was wine & champagne anyway "it make me sleepy." Yeah no shit. The young fella went to talk about how his voice "can sound like a man or woman" ummm okay. Then he asks me "I hear NY women aren't that hard." No they're not when you have an accent from another country. French people don't tip & he was no exception.

Intermission: Why do Filet-O-Fishes at McDonalds only contain a half of a slice of cheese?

After droppin off a random broad, these ladies tryna go to Hunts Point in the Bronx (FUCK THAT) ask how much a cab would cost. $30-$40 and no you cannot pay in half cash half food stamps. These 2 dudes get in the cab and say "my bad for cockblockin you". Cockblockin what ha?

This broad & her male cronies get in my cab to go to Williamsburg. She hops in the front & starts controllin my fuckin radio! What is this?? DJ Snowflake in the house? She puts it on a Spanish station. They paid well tho so I let it rock but what in the fidduckkkk.

I'm not gonna front, I saw a brotha hail a cab & I passed him by. My excuse though was I was on the other side of the street.

Why is it that when I mention driving a cab because "you gotta do what you gotta do" when I'm talkin to people they pull the "you know, I was just talkin to someone about that kinda stuff.." line? Happened to me twice. Both with blonde taken females sigh. The first one though was intrigued about me volunteering with Music For Tomorrow. The second chick was a waitress. Then she mentioned the word boyfriend.

I had to break change & I was around the Chelsea area. You know what that has the potential to mean. Yes, I picked up 2 males whose sexual preference was male and they were going to a bar called POSH on 51st street & 9th avenue. I wish I was makin that shit up. You learn somethin new everyday.

Drew Carey's ugly step-brother gets in my cab but then tells me he has to make a stop on 2nd avenue & 14th street. I figured he was gonna get food...but he went to the DVD store. WTF?? No it was not the XXX shop, though I do not know if they have a section. I don't think I would want to know anyway.

The temptation to mack it to chicks in the cab increases everyday.

Hot Spots of the Day: 6th and 7th avenues. Always poppin with ppl desperate for cabs.

And so on.

DK's Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 3/11/10).

Thursdays apparently are my days where I don't make too many trips...but the ones that I have are relatively long.

I always smell the grade A jackasses from as soon as I get in my cab. If they have an accent that is not American nor British...I will expect a dollar tip at the maximum. This Asian broad who hops in my cab out of nowhere after I dropped somebody else off tells me to take her to "Gran CentraTerminal" from 34th and 6th. Fair enough. The fare comes out to $6. She gives me a $10. "Gimme-a-fo-dollars-back" Fuck out my cab bitch.

The guy right after her tells me to take him to 640 3rd avenue from there...except um, it's 2 and a half blocks away dawg. He starts laughing and gives me $6.

A few passengers later I pick up this Italian fella wantin to go down to this restaurant on Mott between Prince & Spring streets. This monster $15.50 fare from 57th and Park Avenue is rewarded by a fabulous 50 cent tip.

The next person I pick up is a Caribbean-American woman wanting to go to Queens. Oh boy was my thoughts immediately. The oh boy however turned into an oh shit when she actually left me a $6 tip on a $27. It got suspect for a quick second because she got out the cab to pick up her boys (turned out to be sons) but I dropped them off 4 blocks later.

The person of the day however was this fella goin to Floral Park right across the border in Nassau from LaGuardia Airport. A mean $37 cab ride was given a $10 tip. I like your style sir.

The next to last person of the day tho was prob my most interestin character because he's this typical nigga that I'd see who'd be lurkin at Webster Hall on a Saturday night or some shit. First the dude hails a cab without lookin, which I thought was weird. Then he immediately asks me "Fam why it say an extra dollar...it's 'posed to be fiddy cent." Well dawg...it USED to be 50 cents and it still says it ON the cab...but there's an MTA tax now. "When that start, couple hours ago?? It was 50 cent earlier I been on 3 cabs tonight fam." Ha yeah aight nigga. Then..."yo fam whats good wit these lights why they on?" I go to turn them off..but I also realized that one of my doors wasn't closed properly (more on that in a minute). As always, I got the radio on Hot 97 & my dude DJ Kay Slay. "Turn that up fam." Not surprised. He tells me to turn it up twice more. Fair enough. Fare comes out to $9.90 and quite frankly I thought this simple nigga was gonna hop out the cab, turn his swag on take a look at me n say whats good now. Nope he gives me a $20, I give him back $10 and he gets out. Fuck, I should have given him the extra dime too.

I drive a van. I don't understand what's so fuckin complex about closing/opening a slide door. "Ugh this door is so hard to slideeeee." They teach you as a kid right after you take your diapers off that you pull towards you to open. Then you pull to the left to the left and VOILA MUH FUCKAAAAA. To close, pull towards you & pull to the right BOOM. Simple. SMFH.

And so on.

DK Taxi Cab Chronicles.

Sorry for the slackin lately ha. To be honest, as the honeymoon phase of the job has definitely ended...I don't have as many good tales to tell yall. I didn't work Saturday because I was in Hoboken so I don't have any drunk tales like that. Except for my last cab ride Friday night.

Friday was in general hella frustrating. City traffic gets on my last nerves & combine that with pedestrians feeling that they can walk where they want when they want, it compounds the situation. Driving down the west side on 9th avenue I find this guy barely standing & tryin to hail a cab. I stop & pull over to ask where he's tryin to go. Barely competent he tells me "Bruhklynn. Church mm McDonuld". Seeing that it was almost midnight & I needed to get a decent amount of sleep before wakin up hella early the next morning I go for it. He leans over like he's been shot & I ask him if he's gonna throw up. He gets pissed and goes "what are ya, crazy?! I don't throw up!" Trust me, the last thing I need is for a muh fucka to throw up on my shit. As I'm on the BQE the dude starts to hiccup which is NIGHTMARES. No throw-up though. I start to mutter lyrics playin on the radio & I think he tells me to shut the fuck up LMFAO. Either that, or he was havin a bad dream. After finally droppin him off at his stop, it was $37. The dude gives me $40...but then tells me to wait. He pulls out another $10...then another $5. Takes a good five minutes to look for his phone & tells me to call it. The phone is in his pocket. He gives me another $2. God bless that man lmfao.

I would say about 8 out of every ten people understand the art of tipping in the city. When you encounter those that have NO IDEA about it...it confounds the crap out of me. The Grade A Jackass of the past week and a half however goes to this older gentleman of Caucasian decent whom I picked up around Times Square to take back around NYU campus. Talkin on his phone, all that good shit whatever that's fine. Total is $8.80 and he gives me a $10. No problem..except upon another look he wants a dollar back. So, a TWENTY CENT TIP?? The HELL am I gonna do with that ha? The next passenger that does that to me I swear I will give them their full change because I have no use for the twenty cents. Of course, I have to do it in a nice way or else I can be reported. I hate bashing my own people but once again I get another example as to why cabbies pass by African-American people. This well-dressed, educated lookin fella (albeit he could have passed for Farnsworth Bentley's dad) takes me to the Upper East Side around 72nd street from Bryant Park. No problem. He complains about the traffic on 3rd avenue and as to why I didn't take 1st avenue.
1) If I took 1st avenue up you'd have to pay an extra 40 cents for goin crosstown a block unnecessarily.
2) It's the same shit traffic-wise dealing with the Queensboro Bridge.
His quote "Guess we're gonna be stuck here for a little bit." Yes and then 15 seconds later traffic is flowing nicely. His ride came out to around $11 or so and he pays by credit card. Tip: $0.75. LOSS. For a fella who has a doorman open up my fuckin cab door you could do better you house nigga. I laughed my ass off before makin my U-Turn.

I swear too, some of these conversations these clowns have with each other entertain me. I didn't mention this before but the last Saturday I drove these four above-average lookin females get in my cab to go to a bar. All I can overhear them say is their yearning to make out with someone/break dry spells. Man, if it was that easy for dudes to decide who they wanna hook up with. As an upstanding gentleman & doing my job I can't intervene from left field but DEAR GOD it's tempting.

And so on.

Hoboken 2010 Review.

This year was the first year that I really had a chance to take the Hoboken St. Patrick's day experience in. Last year, I didn't get there until 430 and didn't get inside a bar until 7. I hopped on the 853am LIRR to Penn Station & got on the PATH (already packed as fuck) around 930ish. After takin a 15 minute walk which I saw already one accident with this guy crashin his car into a pole...I went to my first house party. Even though it was 1015am, I was already 2 hours behind them ha. It was chill, played some beer pong & met some new people because I only knew two people at the party initially. Around 1230 or so we were forced out because this lady upstairs kept complaining that we were makin too much noise and by then a few of my other boys came through. I split with the original group- some of whom went to the parade, others went to a bar I believe- and headed over to another house party. This one was a bit better...although it was mainly standin around type shit. However, about an hour into our stay we were forced to leave because the cops had to break it up. I think some schmuck had passed out upstairs or some shit. At this point I wouldn't have minded goin to a bar & paying the ridiculous $20 cover just to get inside but the fellas wanted to head back to Manhattan so it was whatever.

Overall...it wasn't that bad. My mojo is kind of returning & I did get a couple facebook request opportunities ha so in that retrospect it was good. I feel however that somethin was missing. The bouncing around was a tad annoying also. A good time...was it as fun as last year though? I can't necessarily say that BUT...it got the job done so. Overall Grade: B

And so on.

Random Thought of the Day.

The scary & unique thing about life is that the same person that has absolutely no appeal to you may be the perfect person to someone else. This perplexes the shit out of us as bling attracts bling and can blind us..or whatever else the cause. Even if you think someone is dumb as rocks to someone else they may be their Confucius. Also although I love myself a fat ass & some athletic legs, if her brain is anorexic with knowledge she is nothin more than high fructose corn syrup. Other girls who may not have that "5-star look" have 4-5 stars across the board...which is more than sufficient for me and if that makes her my "5-star chick" so be it. Besides, I'd rather have an under-the-radar girl than the one dudes buy cases of Sprite for because they cannot obey their thirst.

Then you get into that whole "I'm so over it" nonsense when it never happens. We give people more chances than they deserve sometimes because they're bangin or they got that $$ & you're afraid to lose that. But when that happens- you become nothing more than someone walkin w/invisible shackles harvesting their plantation (ego). And ENOUGH with the "he's perfect...she's perfect" nonsense. NO ONE IS! You're gonna turn your back on someone because they're ALMOST perfect?? It's a matter of which flaws in that person are fatal and which ones you're willing to put forth. Make the right choices.

And so on.

The Reasons Why Cabbies Don't Pick Up Black Folk.

I used to be hella pissed when a cabbie would pass me by. The whole "cabbies are racist" myth is a myth...however, there are a few things that they take into consideration.

1) Particularly on Friday & Saturday nights where hella money is to be had driving in Manhattan...nothing is worse than to be taken out of the borough & to go deep into Brooklyn for example. Yes you can get a good $25-$30 fare...but in that same stretch of time, a cabbie can pick up 3-4 people and make that money if not more. It is technically illegal for a cab driver to ask where someone is going and to refuse a fare if it's anywhere in the five boros, Nassau or Westchester UNLESS they are off-duty. I would say when I hailed cabs in the past...2 times out of 3 I was asked before I could open the door where I was going (Penn Station) and only then was I allowed in.

2) To compound that...cabbies are afraid that we will a) hop out without paying, b) underpay or c) leave a minuscule tip. One bad experience can spoil the entire perception.

Being on the driver's side of the spectrum...I can feel them to an extent...even though it's fucked up.

And so on.

DK's Taxi Cab Chronicles (from 2/26-2/28/10).

The snowstorm was a boon for me this weekend since everybody decided to be out and about more than usual.

Story of the Weekend: I pick up these two chicks from the Lower East Side (Ludlow & Stanton streets) and they ask me how much it costs to get to West Broadway because they supposedly only have $20. I tell them it's about $8 and they get in the van. I overhear the brunette tellin the blonde one how much of a turn-on it is to be fuckin one of her other friend's husbands even though she knows it's bad. I'm Kanye-Shruggin and the blonde goes "this is so a taxi cab confessional." The blonde one goes on to tell me that although she's married to a guy...that she's bi-sexual and has a girl-guy like ratio of 70%-30%. I wonder what her husband thinks about that ha. They get out of my cab & the blonde gives me four $2 bills and for me to keep the change...which would have been a dime SMH.

While most of the people who get in my cab talk amongst themselves you'll have quite a few that will. This one older lady talked to me about Cash Cab & Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader. This openly gay Italian guy that took me to Washington Heights from Houston Street ($27+tip= $30) preached to me about how people don't have their priorities straight anymore amongst other things. This cougar whose boyfriend plays in a band talked to me about how facebook is the devil. A group of 5 girls from the UK that I picked up on Park Avenue wanted to find a place in Greenwich Village where they played 80s music...I did not know. But they gave me advice on how long you should take to call a girl (24 hours). And another guy from the UK was curious to know why cabbies in NYC drive so ruthlessly and aggressively and I broke it down to him.

Tippers of the Weekend:
- A JFK to Manhattan Trip ($45+tip= $55)
- A JFK to Manhattan Trip ($50+tip= $58)
- Trip to Greenwich Village ($13.50+tip= $20)
- A JFK to Manhattan Trip ($50+tip= $57...although they were European and didn't actually mean to give me that tip).

Grade A Jackasses of the Weekend:
- This dumb broad not knowing her math and only giving me $5 on a $5.50 fare.
- The broads who gave me the four $2 bills mentioned above.
- Any non UK person from Europe who gets in your cab will not tip. Per example- these 2 German dudes tell me they need to go to 80th street...but you know how it goes it sounds like EIGHTTEEN so that's where I go & that forces me to waste my time.
- This Ecuadorian couple I pick up from Times Square to drop off in Queens give me a $1 tip.
- Ditto with this group of 3 who I pick up from Houston Street on Saturday night.

If you don't know...now you know: When you pay in cash..the cabbie keeps everything outside of the 50 cent MTA surcharge & whatever tolls. However if you want to be an ass or if you think he's one...if you pay with credit card, the credit card company takes a portion of the fare. So if you pay for a $6 fare and tip a dollar...the cabbie will only see the $6.

Thing that made me go hmm: I picked up this white kid from Park Avenue South which took me towards the East Village again. I have DJ Kay Slay on and he's playin some Cam'ron with Vado...and the kid tells me to "turn that shit up". I tried so hard not to have a stunned look on my face.

And so on.